This is a short list of things you shouldn’t do if your fingertips have recently gotten in the way of a shearing device.

(I’m so smart, I learned all these lessons in only one day!)

0. Trust that your wounds have healed enough to not re-open
1. Run out of bandaids
2. Fold the clean laundry
3. Do the dishes
4. Use your iPhone or other touchscreen device
5. Put your hands on your hips.
6. Put your hands in your pockets.
7. Put your hands anywhere.
8. Handle raw chicken
9. Put salt on the chicken
10. Try to stifle the screams induced by getting salt and salmonella in your cuts
11. Type a post about having cuts on your typing fingers.

This has been a public service announcement from your local neighborhood klutz.